Stalking Her Exes


What’s he doing in Thailand?

She couldn’t help it. She’s couldn’t stop stalking her exes. Social media has made it possible to gain access into people’s personal lives from a distance and in her mind, it would be a waste to not reap the benefits of the digital age.

Besides, it brought so many emotions out in her.

She was a writer so she told herself obsession has a different purpose for her than it does other people. Writers need to have full grasp of their emotions to be able to relate to their readers and that required them to go to the extremes of every emotion, even the less fun ones. Most people don’t have room in their lives for obsession but this girl, this girl was different. She had purpose. She had excuse. And it helped that she never told anyone about it.

Who’s that girl next to him?

She would pick apart every post, every engagement. She would hover over every tag, click on every stranger (especially if they were of the pussy-bearing variety), read through comments, and scroll through every album--and they didn’t even have to be his own. She was perfectly willing to go through the profiles of not just him and his friends but also those friends of friends, or those friends of friends of friends. She would case through their posts and photos, scanning seas of faces to find the ones she used to wake up to every morning. Whenever she managed to find a photo of one of her exes that weren’t on their immediate profiles, she almost felt pride. There was definitely a sense of victory, a feeling she could use to keep her warm at night, a glimmer of hope telling her that being able to find them like that must mean something. They must somehow still share a special connection.

Is that cryptic caption about me?

She would live on Instagram’s Following page, refreshing in five-to-ten second rotations, in hopes of catching some real-time online activity from one of them. She was most committed to this particular part of her online stalking. She was so committed to it that she managed to gauge two of her exes’ daily routines from the process, from the respective times they woke up to the times they would go to sleep at night. She knew about their current interests, their current motivations. She could even tell what girls they were casually dating, or who they were trying to fuck, or even who was trying to fuck them. Knowledge is power and she felt powerful. She knew their dirty, little secrets, all laid bare online for the world to see and they had no idea. Despite all the time and separation, she could still feel involved. Important. They may not want to be friends with her anymore but that wasn’t up to them. They spoke to her through their online activity and sometimes, she could convince herself they did it intentionally.


Doesn’t she kind of look like me?

It was definitely narcissism. It takes very specific, very high levels of narcissism to be able to justify the amount of online stalking she did. What other reason is there to still be so attached to your exes? It wasn’t that she had trouble letting go, not in the typical sense anyway. She couldn’t let go, this was true. But it wasn’t the boys that she couldn’t let go of. It wasn’t the relationships or the connections or the moments they shared together. It was the feeling they gave her once upon a time, the feeling that she was queen. It was as simple as that. She never quite learned how to love herself without someone showing her how. She didn’t trust her own eyes so she grew obsessed with seeing herself through other people’s, especially the eyes of someone who loved her, or used to. Somewhere deep inside her, she still needed them. Even if they didn’t need her anymore, even if they had moved on long ago. Because if she moved on too, if she moved on from them and the way they made her feel, she worried she might just disappear.

Is he still thinking about me?

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